I realized when I looked back on my day yesterday that it was full of Ms. My day began as it does no matter where I am, writing in my journal, writing about Marcus, writing to Marcus. In this case I was in Mexico drinking Madomi coffee. This was followed by a massage, after which I was planning to meditate, but my hotel neighbors invited into town for a margarita. (An offer I couldn’t refuse.) After the tequila worked its drug-life effect into my bloodstream I was useless for the rest of the afternoon. It was all I could do just to soak in the hot tub — and, sorry, but as hard as I tried, I could find no M word for that, not even in Spanish.
M is for the madness going on inside my head, angry at life for letting Marcus die and angry for everything else out of my control, like the weather (it was dark and cloudy here yesterday… waaaahhh!), like greed and corruption, pollution and politics, madness that makes me want to burst out of my body.
With my mind working like this, seems that maybe this solo trip to the tropics wasn’t such a good idea after all.
But today is a new day. I just saw a yellow-breasted something or other fly by. I pay more attention to birds since Marcus died, as if he is a bird now flying by to say “I’m still here and I’m looking out for you, so don’t worry so much!” Is my letter for the day going to be Y? Y for yellow like the bird’s feathers and yellow like the sun which is now, thankfully, blazing down? Y for my internal yelling and yammering that ceases to stop? Y for the yoga I should be doing right now to calm down the existential hurricane inside me? Y for the probiotic Yakult I’m drinking to fend off another potential internal battle, that fought in the intestines known as Montezuma’s Revenge?
Or maybe the letter of the day should be I — but not for the insomnia I’ve had every night or the irritability that I wear around like an illness. And not for the Internet that works only intermittently here. I for imagination, illusion, impertinent, intention, independent, industrious, ideal, ingenious, isolation, indulgence, impatience, idiot? No, no, no, no, and no! (Oh, I know what you’re thinking….I is for her insanity.)
I is for one thing today and one thing only. I is for the infinity pool that is about to take over where the salt left off yesterday, another attempt at curing my interminable grief and confusion. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I don’t want to get my laptop wet.
S is for splash! And renewed sanity, and…..